A little while ago Altair & Vega asked for our own chuunibyou experiences, and I shared a small anecdote. I didn’t remember back then how small an anecdote it was. Far bigger than that were the things I wrote in the back of my day planner. One of the tamer pages of it looked like this:
But before I show you my biggest blunder I would like to provide some context. Back then Pastafarianism was kind of the thing, and all over the news, and I liked it. Through Wikipedia I discovered other gag religions. One that I particularly liked was Discordianism. The other thing is that I was also kind of obsessed with myths. I had read the Enûma Eliš, a few parts of the Bible, about a third of the I Ching, the Silmarillion (before Lord of the Rings), some books on germanic and norse mythology, countless Wikipedia pages on different myths and religions, and somewhere in my room there is still a Quran I bought with the best intentions to read it. When we had to choose a subject for a few extra lessons in the last year of high school I chose religious studies, partially out of interest, partially because of the coolest of all teachers. With these two things in mind, here is an attempt at writing a religious book:
0. The Revelation of the Great Googlymoogly
The Great Googlymoogly is hear to save the world. The Apeucalypse is here, and it can only be averted by the Great Googlymoogly. The world will burn, it will melt and drip into half-materiality. The half-material giants will kill us all. Only the Great Googlymoogly can kill the giants, solidify the world and extinguish the flames. The liquid, nonmaterial Great Googlymoogly floods the giants and washes around us with life. Hail the Great Googlymoogly!
In the beginning there was the end. As the end had ended, the beginning begun. And the beginning formed, and it formed the Great Googlymoogly, it formed the Koalabother, the younger brother of the Great Googlymoogly, and it formed giants and spirits and humans. Then the Great Googlymoogly went into the great light. So the Koalabother took the light and compressed it; so there was fire. The Koalabother went into the fire and took it for his home. The Great Googlymoogly saw that, and it sent water, and the fire became solid. So the Great Googlymoogly gave the solid fire to the humans as home; but the giants and the spirits were unhappy now and complained to the Koalabother. He took them and gave them his fur as home. Thus began the great siblings’ strife. Hail the Great Googlymoogly!
2. The World Tree
It is a tree, and it is named Apeucalyptus. It is rooted in being, grown in half-being and blossomed in in non-being. At the roots live the humans. They try to climb the tree. Clinging to the trunk is the Koalabother. Living in his fur are the giants and spirits. With his feet he throws the humans back onto the world, with his hands he takes leaves from the treetop. Living in the treetop is the Great Googlymoogly, it rules from there. It takes the saints there and deflects the attacks of the Koalabother. Such is the world order until the Apeucalypse, which starts at the root and burns everything. And from the smoke forms an new world tree with a new world order. Hail the Great Googlymoogly!
3. The Giants
As the Giants were disappointed, they complained to the Koalabother. The Koalabother said they should take the leaves of the Apeucalyptus and descend into the world of humans, to kill the humans. As reward they could live in the fur of the Koalabother. And the giants climbed into the fur of the Koalabother and built their houses and forges. They forged weapons and armour, brilliant and shining. So they climbed up and waged war against the Great Googlymoogly. Many fell, but some could reach the invisible leaves and threw them down into the world of humans. Thus the humans were confused until the arrival of the Great Googlymoogly.
4. The Spirits
As the Spirits were disappointed, they complained to the Koalabother. The Koalabother ordered them to annoy the Great Googlymoogly and the humans too. As reward they could live in the fur of the Koalabother. And the spirits climbed into the fur of the Koalabother, but they did nothing. Thus the Koalabother got angry and shook his fur. Some spirits were catapulted to the Great Googlymoogly, some spirits could clutch to the fur, some spirits fell to the humans. The first annoyed the Great Googlymoogly, the second annoyed the Koalabother and the giants, the third annoyed the humans. Thus the spirits lived, never ruled from beginning to end.
5. The Fall of the Humans
As the humans began to be, they were on the Great Googlymoogly. Thus every human could see a part of the Great Googlymoogly. So the humans met and argued which part of the Great Googlymoogly was true. The Great Googlymoogly saw that and was disappointed. Thus the humans were thrown into the world by the Great Googlymoogly. The giants saw that, blinded the humans and confused them. So the humans forgot about the Great Googlymoogly. As the humans were killed by the giants and the spirits, the Great Googlymoogly showed compassion and protected the humans. The blinded didn’t see the Great Googlymoogly, except if they didn’t see the light.
6. The Enlightenment
The giants sent smoke, and so the humans were blinded and couldn’t see the lucid light anymore. The giants sent noise, and the humans couldn’t hear the clear sound anymore. But some humans had their eyes closed and some humans had their ears closed. So they could still recognise the message of the Great Googlymoogly and became saints. And five humans had their eyes and their ears closed and saw the core of the message of the Great Googlymoogly. So they saw the lucid light and heard the clear sound. They became the prophets.
7. The Ubertuber
The spirits were in non-being, half-being and being, and their leader was the Ubertuber. The Ubertuber saw that the humans were burned by the giants. And thus the Ubertuber sent the spirits of being to the humans. The spirits became water and flowed into the humans. Thus the fire of the giants was extinguished. But the spirits remained in the humans and caused confusion. So the humans had new ideas and evolved. Thus the humans’ hunger for knowledge was set aflame.
8. The Koorximoorxi
But as the spirits rode the humans, there were three spirits left over. They got angry, called themselves the Koorximoorxi and personified themselves. The first appealed to its own humanity and spoke: “I am no human, I am a Koorximoorxi!” The second was clothed naked and spoke: “I am a Koorximoorxi, I can do that!” The third, finally, danced on the tip of a needle and spoke: “The Great Googlymoogly ordered me to do this!” And the oath rang out: “We want to be a single union of Koorximoorxi, and we will bring intelligent idiocy to the humans!”
9. The First Ride
There lived the humans, and there were the Koorximoorxi. And as there were three priests of the Great Googlymoogly, they were ridden by the Koorximoorxi. And the Koorximoorxi spoke: “Listen, humans, we are the Koorximoorxi, and we can. We can ride you. We can take out your spirit. We can clap with one hand.” And they clapped with one hand. Then they dismounted the priests and left them behind. And thus the humans prayed to the Koorximoorxi.
10. King Hooba Dooba
There lived king Hooba Dooba, and he saw the three Koorximoorxi. And he pondered, and he saw the Great Googlymoogly. And he saw his officials, and he saw their bureaucracy. Thus he spoke: ” What has to go has to go!” And he saw his engineers, and he saw their inventions. Thus he spoke: “What has to be has to be!” And as he saw and spread the message of the Great Googlymoogly, he was ridden by a Koorximoorxi. And the Koorximoorxi said: “Blub!”